Separating the Past from the Present; Transference and Projection
One of the markers of a healthy personality is the ability to be flexible about how we see things and to let in new learning about the world and our relationships.
Although all of us are constantly bombarded […]
Abandonment: Depression and Other Effects
Feelings of abandonment by people we need or love, even people who hurt us sometimes too, can be one of the most difficult experiences in relationships, calling up some of our most primitive survival mechanisms to manage the pain.
But we all experience […]
Anxiety and Insecurity about One’s Sense of Self
Would you give up your autonomy for the illusion of protection?
Many adults do, especially those with anxiety disorders, fears of abandonment, or relationship insecurity.
As a matter of fact, many people with anxiety disorders feel that they must depend on […]
Couples Therapy: When Needs Conflict
Even though feelings are subjective (and always make sense in some subjective way), relationships are full of struggles over who’s feelings are right and who’s are wrong.
This comes up quite often in couples therapy.
Even though we are not responsible for […]
“Looks Can be Deceiving”: Mentalization Skills in Relationships, Part I
So I’m going to talk with you today about some ideas that come from something called “mentalization based therapy”. Some of you may have heard of that but probably most of you have not. I’m going to […]
When You’re Ordinary, Normal, and Highly Successful…and You Still Need Help
I’ve often wondered why it can be so hard for people who seem like poster children for “ordinary”, “normal”, and “successful” to take help….and especially why they wait so long to show […]
The Illusion of Control and the Downside of Submission
Some things are not the way they seem on the surface. Relationships that are about control and submission frequently fall into this category. What you see is not necessarily the whole story.
There are many forms of control in relationships. […]
On Deceiving and Being Deceived
As a relationship therapist, I am often confronted with questions about honesty, deception, lies, and differences in perspective. Some couples come in accusing each other of lying. Some argue over events, each with a different version of what happened. Sometimes it’s […]
What does a dismissive attachment style have to do with anxiety?
A dismissive attachment style can affect your relationships with friends, family members, and your children. How can you tell if you or someone you love has a dismissive attachment style? And, why does it matter?
This […]
Trying to decide between individual therapy or couples counseling?
If you’re experiencing problems in a relationship, you may have wondered whether it’s best to go to an individual therapist to talk about it, or to attend couples […]