Effects of Trauma on Relationships
One of the most difficult challenges in recovering from traumatic experiences, is teaching our “survival brains” to differentiate “real” emergencies or danger cues in the present from “pseudo-traumas”- experiences that look like past traumas but are not actually dangerous or threatening despite being uncomfortable or difficult. For example, a relationship which is trustworthy 80% of the time may be a good relationship overall- but someone who experienced betrayal trauma in past relationships may experience the 20% of mini-betrayals (or non-traumatic “reasons not to trust”, such as an innocent episode of forgetfulness by one’s partner or an occasional invalidating comment) as evidence that all relationships are traumatic in nature or that relationships should be avoided altogether.
For an empowered adult who is not in an abusive relationship, the small betrayals that are inevitable in partnerships between people who are mere human beings (the “average expectable” hurts in relationships) should be manageable and tolerable if they occur in an overall context of caring, thoughtfulness, and trustworthiness. But past traumas and old feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization can color these experiences in ways that highlight them as evidence of traumatic re-experiencing in the present (when, in fact, they are not).
We are wired for survival and it’s not so easy for our brains to let go of the instinct to look out for cues in the present that have signaled danger in the past (and to send us into a state of alarm about them)- yet, as we read those cues in light of past experience, we often forget the new context in which they are currently arising. This is where the effects of trauma on relationships can really be felt.
A spouse who loses his cool once in a while is not necessarily the same thing as a scary, abusive parent from one’s childhood, but it can feel like it is the same- causing one to lose track of just how much is actually different, such as the overall calmness of one’s spouse in general, the lack of physical abuse in the present, the ability to communicate one’s needs and to have a voice in the current relationship, etc…this all flies out the window as the mind screams “anger=danger”. Seeing one’s wife crying and expressing emotion shouldn’t elicit the same feelings of helplessness that one felt as a young boy witnessing domestic violence between his mother and father- yet some men do react as if their partner’s tears signal the experience of being a “helpless witness” just the same. Waiting on a line that is taking too long can feel like life or death if “waiting” in the past was “waiting for the other shoe to drop” in an abusive home.
We have memories of past experiences but we are unaware of what we are remembering. Fight, flight, or freeze impulses flood us instinctively and it can take some hard work to get other parts of the brain online- parts of our minds that can help us analyze, stop and think, and reassess our instinctual reactions.
It can be hard to manage relationships when triggers from the past are superimposed onto experiences in the present…yet, if we don’t take the chance and do the hard work of separating out past traumas from current discomforts, we lose the opportunity to leave the past behind us and teach our minds something new.
Is your mind open or are you stuck in your past?
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