For some us, when we were little, we felt unseen, irrelevant, excluded, or unimportant. We may have wanted to prove ourselves to those around us- and maybe even to have defied those who saw us as small or insignificant.

This dynamic might have been there if we had older siblings who shut us out, or who received privileges we didn’t get, or if we longed to be part of the adults’ world but instead felt pushed aside (common in firstborn children).

As adults, such early longings often get carried into our ambitions. We work hard, we achieve, we create, we push ourselves forward. But underneath all of the admiration we get, or success we achieve, there may still be that unconscious vibe of “I’ll show you.” 

This drive often carries an edge— perhaps of competitiveness, defiance, even a hint of aggression. Which makes sense. When we’ve felt overlooked, part of us may want to fight our way into visibility. And yet, once that edge shows up, guilt often follows. We may start to feel uneasy about our ambition or drive, as though there’s something “bad” hidden inside it.

And that’s when self-sabotage may creep in. 

Sometimes we may want to write, perform, create, get promoted. Yet just as we’re about to step forward, we shrink ourselves back. Or undo our success. (I know I do this sometimes!) 

And this might at times be because some unconscious part of us fears being exposed—not only as talented, but as competitive, rebellious, or aggressive. As if people might see us saying: “See, you were wrong about me. Look at me now.”

This is an understandable conflict. We all have aggressive and competitive impulses, and we like vindication when we feel wronged, especially if we grew up without enough recognition. But when those impulses get buried because we feel guilty about them, or ambivalent about what they may do to our relationships, so too our vitality, our drive, our voice can get buried alongside them.

Healing doesn’t mean erasing these parts of us—it means integrating them. Seeing that the child who longed to be seen is still alive inside, fueling our ambition. That the “edge” isn’t shameful—it’s the spark that gives passion its power.

And sometimes, when we imagine it differently, we might even realize that the people who once overlooked us might not be angry if we shine. Or outperform their expectations. They might actually be proud.