You’ve come to this page which means you’re likely dealing with someone in your life who really PUSHES YOUR BUTTONS, makes you feel HELPLESS, or draws you into constant BATTLES you don’t want to be having.
You’ve probably already tried everything you could think of to make things better.
You already know what you’ve done so far hasn’t worked, you want things to feel DIFFERENT, and you’re ready for me to show you how to make that happen.
(Ready already? Enrollment here)
I KNOW I can help you, not only because I’ve had my share of difficult people in my own life and have learned what works, but also because I’ve helped tons of other people (in my 18 years as a therapist) figure out how to feel empowered even while dealing with someone really difficult in their lives.
I also know you may be too depleted to invest in therapy; you may be afraid to talk to anyone about this (even though you’re desperate for help); and you might find it helpful to have an expert just tell it to you like it is…explain what you’re dealing with and what to do (and what not to do).
It’s very draining to deal with constantly not being heard, listening to someone who talks at you instead of with you, dealing with unpredictable emotional storms, trying to get your needs met when the other just really isn’t emotionally mature enough to make that happen.
And that’s why I’ve created this course, and here is a small taste of some of the information you’ll be getting when you sign up.
Often, people who feel abused or frustrated by the way they’re being treated in a relationship throw around terms like “I’m married to a narcissist” or “My spouse is emotionally abusive” or “My wife had Borderline Personality Disorder” without actually knowing what the differences are between these various labels and whether they are using the right term to describe what’s actually going on.
The reason this is important is because depending on the actual personality type you are dealing with, there are very different ways to handle the situation; what works for one type may make things worse for another type. Labels shouldn’t be used as ammunition or thrown around lightly, but should rather inform us so that we can take effective action. Authoritative understanding is needed to guide our decisions.
So, for starters, let me just explain in general what I mean by a personality disorder; this is not a textbook type of definition but my own way of trying to explain what happens when specific parts of the personality are used in a rigid or extreme way to the exclusion of other aspects of the ego or self.
Essentially, in a personality disorder, the personality becomes organized around a certain theme that makes it hard for a person to use different parts of their personality and mind in a smooth way that works for them, their relationships, and their reality, taking the overall big picture into account. It’s a problem with flexibility and integration.
All of us have to manage conflicts between what we want and what others in our lives want; between what is good for us and what is good for our relationships; between what we want to do emotionally vs. what makes sense on a rational level; between what we want now vs. what we want later; between our morals and our desires; and between our wishes vs. reality. If the personality is not functioning in a healthy way, then a person will be unable to find a good balance between different aspects of themselves and their lives, and will often use others in their lives in ways that are dysfunctional.
In general, I would say the following:
“Borderline” people organize their personality around a fear of rejection, abandonment, their emotions, and good or bad feelings at a given time in a relationship. They will have difficulty containing their emotions and may spread their emotions to others through a process of “emotional contagion”. In emotional contagion, people speak and react to each other in ways that create a spin of more and more emotion; emotions become “up-regulated”. They get more out of control and intense the more two people communicate their emotions to each other. Both people react to each other’s emotions with heightened emotions of their own.
“Narcissistic” people tend to be cut off from any emotions that feel “weak”, and turn vulnerability into anger. Underneath this anger is usually shame or humiliation. The narcissist may have had a parent who was extremely critical or shaming, or he/she may have been embarrassed of their parent. There may also have been emotional neglect. In any case, trying to get the narcissist to understand your own emotions of vulnerability is going to be hard because they have a difficult time recognizing this in themselves, and often experience the other’s emotions as a narcissistic injury (i.e. it causes feelings of shame, being criticized, or humiliation in them).
“Abusers”, or thick-skinned narcissists, will often deny any of their own emotions and will exploit or use the other person’s emotions to control them, exploit them, or hurt them. What I’d like you to do if you’re in a relationship with a true abuser is to protect yourself. Be cautious about showing your emotions and find ways to keep yourself protected and safe from having your vulnerability exploited. You are not dealing with someone who respects you or who will treat your vulnerabilities with kindness.
In “perversion” or manipulator personalities, there is a difficulty accepting reality and one will use the other person’s emotions to avoid having to face reality. They will manipulate your emotions in order to be able to get off the hook, or to be able to say what you want to hear. Emotions do not have to be connected to the truth. If you’re living with someone who has this type of personality, they may catch you off-guard when you are feeling the most emotionally vulnerable, making you wonder if you’re losing your mind or just overreacting when you start to get clear about holding them responsible for their behaviors.
Learning to manage your own emotional reactions is extremely important in these relationships. Borderline people will tend to become more emotional and less rational if you become emotionally reactive towards them. Narcissistic people will often not understand your emotions and will become defensive due to their feelings about themselves when you express your emotions. Abusers will use your emotions to hurt you or control you. And manipulators will treat your emotions as a tool to manipulate you in order to get what they want or get off the hook.
Being in control of yourself and your own emotions will allow you to have a level of detachment that you will need to hear what the other is saying; to decide the best way to respond taking into consideration yourself, the other person, and the relationship overall; and to avoid escalating the personality disorder in a negative cycle of interaction.
Read to Learn More???
Click on the link below:
P.S. Haven’t watched the webinar yet? Here is a link to sign up: