Marriage Advice: How to stop getting the opposite of what you’re looking for

One of the most challenging aspects of relationships is that we often need exactly what the other person cannot give. Getting stuck on what others cannot give us often distracts us from all of the things we are getting in a relationship. Still, it is extremely painful when vulnerabilities intersect, or when strengths and weaknesses in relationships get in the way of gratifying our most desperate quests.

Ironically, though, it is often the way in which we go about trying to get our needs met- when we feel the most desperate- that makes it less likely for the other to respond in the way we wish for. Especially in cases where opposites attract, our automatic behaviors or defenses (or needs) when we feel most reactive, can often be “button pushers” for our partners, leading them to react in ways that make us feel worse instead of better.

For example, when one partner withdraws under stress, and the other becomes anxious, demanding, or emotional, this is the perfect storm; emotions and withdrawal escalate each other. As one becomes more emotional and desperate, the other becomes more silent and distant. And as much as the other becomes silent and distant, the emotional one becomes more desperate and anxious. Each digs his heels in deeper as distress gets more and more intense and difficult to tolerate.

Sometimes we are so caught up in our own distress, that we lose track of what we know about the other person and what will be effective with him/her. We react based on our emotions and forget what we have learned in past interactions about what works with our partner. Maybe we know that our partner needs time to make decisions and usually takes a day or two to think things over before responding to a request, but we feel impatient and try to hurry him/her along. This only leads to more shutdown and inability to make a decision or respond to us. If we were to slow down our own impatience enough to think things through, we might realize that being pushy or hurried about the decision is not going to make our partner respond faster but will actually slow things down.

Other times we might communicate in ways that are confusing to the other person, and that elicit the opposite of the response we are hoping for. For example, we put ourselves down- hoping for reassurance- but sound so unsure of ourselves, that we get advice instead. We may be ambivalent about what we really want, so we give mixed messages to the other person. And sometimes we think we want something, but subconsciously we feel quite differently! Self-sabotage is a good example of this; we might say that we want success, but somehow we manage to sabotage our success at the last minute, over and over again. The same thing can happen in relationships. Perhaps we feel guilty for getting what we want, so we ask for it, but then push it away just when we are about to be satisfied. For example, perhaps you ask your partner to spend more time with you. So long as he/she is not making that time for you, you feel deprived and seek it out. However, the minute your partner actually makes time to spend with you, you find a million reasons why you are too busy!

Others hate to ask for anything, so when they need something the most, they ask in such a casual/subtle way that the other person doesn’t take it very seriously; this leads to even more shyness about asking for things directly the next time around.

Yet others communicate through action, threats, or other types of communications that get the other person’s emotions going and lead to responses that can be quite disappointing (for example, threatening suicide or otherwise “guilting” someone when they don’t give you what you want, leading them to become dismissive or angry instead of giving you what you want).

Similarly, telling others about all the problems you’re having may elicit solutions, when you are hoping for rescue; you then feel angry and escalate your communication of helplessness and desperation, leading to more solutions or advice, which can feel dismissive, like others “just don’t get how hard it is…”.

So, here’s some marriage advice: Communication is a two-way street, and to get what we need, we have to keep in mind the other person’s needs as well, and what we know about how they will respond to different possible ways of communicating…this is hard to do when we are caught up in our own emotions and needs, but such dual awareness is key to being effective in relationships. Learning how to make a bad situation better, instead of worse, is difficult to do in the heat of the moment, but keeping the other in mind even in such charged situations does get easier with practice! And then, paradoxically, we start to get what we are looking for instead of feeling disappointed all the time…