Fairbairn observed that children don’t just need to be loved—they also need to feel their love is received. This idea touches on something important but often overlooked: giving love can be a more vulnerable act than searching for or needing love.
When we love someone, we expose our desire to connect. We put ourselves on the line—not just as someone in need, but as someone who wants to give, to matter, to be felt and taken in to the heart of another. And if that gesture is rejected or overlooked, it can humiliate us deeply.
As children, receiving love and care from a parent or authority figure often comes with a built-in asymmetry. The caregiver has something (or many things) we need that we can’t yet provide for ourselves. We are dependent, exposed, needy. But at the same time, we want to feel that we also have something to give back—that we’re not just empty vessels waiting to be filled, but people with something of value to offer in return.
When our gestures of affection, gratitude, or care are rebuffed, that desire to give back can turn into shame. It makes our feelings of lack even more acute. We might learn to suppress the instinct to offer affection, hide our love for the other, or downplay our desire to connect—because it feels too humiliating to have it turned away.
Imagine handing someone a gift and being met with indifference. Over time, we may come to associate giving with risk, exposure, and hurt.
But giving—whether a compliment, a small gesture of love, an expression of gratitude—is how we express our wish to give back to others a taste of what they’ve given to us. And learning how to receive what someone wants to offer us with grace is one of the greatest gifts we can give them in return.
Teaching a child they have something to offer is what helps prepare them for reciprocal relationships where love goes both ways. The back and forth of giving and receiving can feel unsafe if one’s love has been met with rejection, and the opposite is true as well.
Showing someone that their efforts to connect matter, that their presence is felt, that their gestures land—is part of what helps them feel whole. It’s how we affirm not just their need, but their being. And it creates a sense of agency and effectiveness too!