Do you take the blame for everything??

Do you tend to get blamed for things that aren’t your fault?

Some people feed off of having someone to blame whenever things go wrong or feel uncomfortable. There always has to be someone else around so that whatever happens can be someone else’s fault. But what if you’re the one on the receiving end of this dynamic? You may be the kind of person who questions yourself whenever someone else twists a situation around to make it seem like you’re the one who has done something wrong. As a matter of fact, after being blamed for so long, you may even overreact to being accused, making it even easier for the other person to view you as the problem due to your defensiveness or overreaction! Well, it just might be time to stop taking the blame for everything!

Here are a couple of examples of how this blame game can play out in relationships:

  • Your partner is being unfaithful and acting mysterious, doing things that are deceptive and constantly covering up his/her actions; for example, hiding phone messages and getting edgy when you ask who they are talking to. However, when you- the confused/deceived/betrayed partner- bring this up, the conversation becomes all about your “trust” issues from childhood. It is very possible that you do have trust issues from childhood or previous relationships, so now you may begin to question whether this is all about you… and you both get distracted from the issue at hand- your partner’s mysterious and evasive behavior that is sure to evoke mistrust and suspicion for those of you at the receiving end of such behaviors!
  • A husband lets himself be taken advantage of by his friends; he has trouble standing up for himself yet wants to fit in all the time, so he goes along with situations that put him at a disadvantage. For example, whenever he goes out to have a drink with his friends, they expect him to pay the whole bill for everyone, which he does every time. His wife becomes angry that their money is being spent in this way, and that they are being taken advantage of financially, but when she asks her husband to bring this up with his friends, he makes excuses…he is too embarrassed and afraid that he won’t be included anymore if he stands up for himself. Finally, she is so fed up, that she says something herself to one of her husband’s friends the next time they are out with friends together. Now her husband is furious and the issue becomes about how his wife always embarrasses him, is too tightfisted, gets involved in everyone else’s business, etc…she feels insecure about herself and starts to defend herself, which only exacerbates her husband’s view that she is the problem and keeps the conversation focused on her. In the meantime, he is off the hook from having to look at his own role in the problem!

So, if you recognize this pattern in your own relationships, what can you do? Well, the first step is to stop getting defensive and doubting yourself! Rather, stick to your point in a calm and composed way, and let your partner know that you’d like to address the issue you are bringing up before deflecting it onto your own issues. You can also just state your position, firmly but without asking for an immediate response..to allow time for reflection. For example, “I understand that you were upset when I made the comment to your friends, but I really need you to think about how we’re going to protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and find some way to make sure that things are fair when we go out with this group of friends. Once you think that through, I would like to hear what you’ve come up with.”, Or, “I will think about my own trust issues, but I also need you to understand that your evasive behaviors, such as hiding your phone from me, make it hard for me to trust that you are being fully honest with me. That’s really not working for me, so I hope you will give some thought to how we can increase the transparency in our relationship”.

Once you stop taking the blame for everything, especially when your partner tries to make the issue about you, it will free you up to be less defensive and to give your partner less opportunity for distracting from his/her own issues by focusing on your reactions and responses rather than their own contribution to the problem! And once you state your position, make sure to let it go for the moment…give your partner some time to come around!