A Therapist’s Thoughts on Reclaiming Lost Parts of Ourselves

May 25, 2014 10:55 pm | Mirel Goldstein

“I’m so excited about that job that I just interviewed for, I really hope I get it.”
“I really liked that person that I just went on a date with, I had such a good feeling about it”.
“I just had the most amazing idea…wait until you hear it!”

When we express feelings of excitement or optimism to other people, it feels great to have those good feelings mirrored back to us, to have another person who can join us in our good feelings.

But what happens when we express happy or positive feelings to people in our lives- parents, partners, etc.- only to have them dismiss our hopes, deflate us, or take the wind out of our sails? What happens when people immediately point out all of the things that can go wrong for us just as soon as we dare to hope, or when they question and challenge our desires, or simply act like they do not care at all? Aside from being extremely painful in the moment, the lasting effects of this type of response can be even worse.

If you are a person who has had your dreams, autonomy, and hopes dismissed or challenged- often because those around you were either afraid of acknowledging your separate strivings, or were afraid to get their hopes up with you (for example, a mother who fears her child’s disappointment)- you may by now have developed your own inner voice that dashes your hopes the minute you have them, or stops you from getting excited in the first place. This can lead to an immediate “crash” or “depression” following excited or good feelings (sometimes looking like confusing mood swings); self sabotage when you take steps towards your dreams; or fears of change and things getting better. There is now an inner “hope dasher” that deflates or sabotages your good feelings when they come up…and a lasting fear of getting your hopes up.

In relationships, this can also be especially difficult when one partner wants to share their excitement about their hopes and dreams, and the other partner reacts with anxiety- or dismissiveness. This can lead to feelings of loneliness for the partner who wants to feel that sense of sharing when it comes to hopes for the future, or excitement about shared experiences. Often, this dynamic is extremely subtle and one person may not even realize what it is that makes them feel so awful just after they felt good…what it was that took the air out of their balloon. Sometimes it might just be the other person’s tone of voice, afraid to get excited together with us, that leaves us feeling alone and dismissed, and perhaps even questioning our own desires.

How do you feel about excitement? Are you able to follow and hold on to your good feelings? Or do they seem to mysteriously disappear just when you started to express them to yourself or others…if they do, it might be time to reclaim your right to hope and to let go of the inner saboteur once and for all.