Each of us carries secret, private thoughts or moments we feel embarrassed or ashamed about—sometimes for deeply personal, idiosyncratic reasons. And yet, when we dare to share those hidden parts of ourselves with another person, and they’re not only accepted, but affirmed, it has the potential to transform our shame. (Getting ourselves to speak about these things can sure be hard though!)
I still remember a moment from my childhood when I was in therapy as an 11 year old. I was struggling with friendship issues, and one day, in an outburst of anger at a friend who had been repeatedly mean to me, I tore up her homework. I felt awful—ashamed, mortified, convinced I’d done something terrible.
But when I finally told my therapist about this, with a lot of embarrassment, she was actually delighted that after months of taking this person’s meanness, I had finally allowed myself to be angry! That moment changed a lot for me.
Now, as a therapist myself, I often witness similar moments with clients. They’ll tell me with great discomfort and difficulty that they finally said “no” to something… or they spoke up in a relationship… or even that they’re having angry thoughts they don’t quite know what to do with.
And often, I feel proud of them.
These are the moments when something associated with so much guilt or shame is met with warmth, curiosity, and affirmation- and something begins to transform. (Often these are moments of either standing up to someone in a way one mistakes for being aggressive, or having thoughts one feels bad for having).
The therapist’s ability to take delight in moments a client sees as transgressive or “bad” can be disarming. But it’s also deeply reparative. It helps change shame into something else entirely: playfulness, pride, a sense of inner permission.
Not everything needs to be approved of. But when we speak about things we’re afraid for others to know, and it’s met with understanding or affirmation, something deep inside us can begin to heal. We may feel empowered and experience a sense of liberation.
What one person feels guilty or ashamed about is not the same as what someone else feels ashamed of. Often our private thoughts or secrets elicit very different reactions in others than the ones we think they will.
Try opening up to someone safe and see if this is true for you too!