The Gap Between Thought and Action

Jun 07, 2014 11:45 pm | Mirel Goldstein

How much space do you leave between your thoughts and actions? How quickly do you act on an impulse or thought that pops into your mind? For one couple I worked with, answering this question about the gap between thought and action was the key to repairing their whole relationship.

In Sarah’s world, leaving any gap between thought and action was very difficult. She would immediately act on any thought that popped in her head, leaving little room for her partner’s needs because she would immediately get absorbed in all sorts of cleaning projects around the house the second that she had the thought that something needed to be cleaned. What was more, since Sarah equated thinking about something with taking action, she had a very hard time listening to her partner when he would talk about any desires he had that couldn’t be acted on immediately…such as a dream vacation that they couldn’t afford at the moment. She simply couldn’t think about or talk about something without acting on it, and she had trouble letting her partner do just that. Once we were able to understand this dynamic, Sarah learned to listen while her partner talked about his desires. Sarah also learned (with practice) to wait before doing things around the house- for example, leaving the mess around for a little while until a convenient time to clean up- which made her more available to engage in shared activities with her partner rather than constantly getting sidetracked by tasks that hijacked her attention.

For many of us, learning to put some space between what we think about and what we do, is a major advantage because it gives us time to “sit with” our mixed feelings about a situation until we come to a resolution that “feels right”. Some call this position “wise mind“- when we are able to integrate our logical/reasonable side with our emotional side about an issue, and come to a balanced solution that takes both into account. The more time we give ourselves to fully feel both sides of an issue- for example, a logical wish to be “in control” and “rational” with a more emotional impulse to “fly into a rage”- the easier it is to come to some sort of balanced compromise position- such as expressing our anger in a tone that maintains our self-respect and respect for the other person, but also allows us to express our feelings rather than letting them fester and build up as resentment. I have found that sometimes I have mixed feelings about how to handle a situation- and giving myself some time to just “sit with” the mixed feelings allows me to eventually come to a decision or solution that “feels right”, often a solution that I hadn’t even thought of initially.

Knowing that we give ourselves time to think or talk about something without immediately acting on the issue also makes it feel safer to think and talk. This is one of the gifts of therapy as well- being able to talk about things in a setting where we don’t actually act on what we are talking about in the moment. Being free to express ourselves in a setting that separates talk from action can give us permission to speak about and think about things that we don’t often feel free to express or know…giving us more choice when we do finally take action.

Of course, in emergency situations (such as a physical danger like a fire), we want to act quickly without losing important time by thinking first…but when we respond to fundamentally safe situations (such as a kitchen that’s not perfectly tidied up just before dinner) or relationship decisions (such as whether to go on that vacation that one’s partner has been longing for) on an emergency basis, we lose out on the opportunity to think things through more carefully, to put the issue aside until the best time to deal with it, and to make a balanced decision.

How much space do you put between thought and action?