Compulsive Rescuing

Jul 04, 2014 12:51 am | Mirel Goldstein

Many people wish to be rescued when circumstances become trying enough. Situations such as not having enough money to pay one’s bills, feeling out of control about compulsive behaviors such as overeating or drinking alcohol, feeling lonely after a recent relationship breakup, or trying to get out of an abusive situation, often lead to rescue-seeking behaviors. Some examples of rescue-seeking behaviors are: complaining to a co-dependent/compulsive rescuer friend, who you know will offer to “bail you out”; avoiding paying bills and then calling up a family member once things have reached the point of an emergency (for example, once an eviction is imminent); begging others to give advice and then not listening to the advice, only to ask for the same advice a short time later; and getting involved in a relationship without being ready to commit to being in a relationship- simply because it’s convenient to have company in a lonely moment (only to give mixed messages to the other person, because of your own unreadiness to invest).

Some people seem to be drawn into the “compulsive rescuer” role pretty easily- they like to help, have trouble saying no when someone asks for help or expresses pain, and often feel good about themselves (as well as powerful, in control, and needed) when helping others. Often these “natural rescuers” experienced their own painful childhoods and enjoy being part of a “rescue fantasy”- a painful situation that involves a magically “good ending”; it doesn’t really matter who is being rescued, so long as a rescue is happening! The compulsive rescuer has a need that is being met through such “helping” behaviors.

Others are natural “rescue-seekers” (often presenting as “victims”); their automatic response to challenges is to look for someone or something who can help them avoid pain or responsibility, no matter what it takes. Some will go further than others in efforts to find a rescuer, often becoming manipulative or deceitful in the process (for example, complaining that he has no money, while hiding the fact that he does have income). Some people simply won’t give up…when others refuse to “bail them out”, they simply keep begging, or go from person to person, trying harder and harder to find someone who will give them what they are seeking or demanding. What they get out of this dynamic is the ability to avoid taking responsibility, or experiencing discomfort/managing challenges, as well as the sense of power that comes with acting on their world and getting others to play along with their carefully orchestrated script.

Of course, it’s fairly easy for compulsive givers to get drawn into the dance with compulsive takers- rescuers and victims seem to find each other, somehow. So, what’s the downside for each of them? Well, one problem with any behavior pattern that is rigid, is that it closes off options for us. So, the rescuer may have trouble knowing when it’s healthy to say “no”- either healthy for themselves, or healthy for the person who is being protected from consequences, or from learning to manage the challenges and tasks of healthy adult life. The rescuers may also fail to realize what “price tag” they are unconsciously attaching to their help… whether an expectation that the recipient of their rescue attempts will be under their control; will take their advice and make them feel important; will feel guilty to separate from them; or will show them whatever appreciation they feel they are owed. Compulsive rescuing also distracts them from focusing on parts of their own selves that need to be rescued/worked on!

For the compulsive rescue-seeker (victim), there are downsides too. Often, being rescued is devastatingly crippling. For example, I have seen many cases of adult children who were taken care of by their mothers well into adulthood- their mothers doing laundry for them, paying their bills, cooking for them, etc.- only to have these adult children completely fall apart when the mother ultimately died. Not having to experience consequences for our behaviors also makes it hard for us to learn from our experiences. And yet another downside of compulsive rescue-seeking is the unconscious fear and paranoia that comes along with it; avoiding consequences and responsibility often creates an unconscious fear of the “other shoe dropping” (or just a constant sense of anxiety), because one knows “deep down” that at some point, everything will finally catch up with him…he will either be “caught” in his actions and forced to pay the consequences, or blindsided by avoided responsibilities that can no longer be avoided (for example, when a person has ignored his bills and now collection agencies are after him everywhere). Letting others rescue us may also make us feel beholden to those who help us, forced to repay them in some way (for example, by letting them boss us around), that denies us our freedom. And, finally, those who constantly look to be rescued often have self-esteem difficulties, whether it’s because they never get the sense of mastery that comes from working through a challenge, or because they are envious of those who seem able to rescue them in ways that they cannot rescue themselves!

Of course, there are some healthy forms of rescue too…but that is for another article! What are your thoughts?

P.S. Here is a video to go along with this post: