Defense mechanisms are ways we protect ourselves from psychic or emotional pain, often unconscious.
Some defense mechanisms are healthier than others, and some are more destructive to relationships than others are.
For example, defense mechanisms that distort reality, involve aggression toward others, deflect responsibility, or evoke very strong reactions in others (sometimes making it hard for the other person to think) tend to result in more destructive outcomes. They leave less room for nuance, dialogue, grief, empathy, or reflection and tend to result in cycles of reactivity that escalate rather than decrease anxiety or problems. These types of defenses are sometimes referred to as “primitive”.
One such primitive defense mechanism is that of counterattacking when feeling humiliated or attacked. In this scenario, an individual, upon perceiving a threat to their ego—often from a what was meant as an innocent comment—retaliates aggressively to reverse the humiliation. The initial commenter may have been unaware of having said anything hurtful, and may be completely blindsided when their own vulnerabilities are suddenly being poked at. This can leave them feeling ashamed, confused, or defensive, and their reactions may seem disproportionate. The dynamic then escalates and the focus may conveniently shift from the original attack to the reactions themselves, stopping constructive dialogue and resolution.
For example, a wife may make an innocent comment to her husband about something she needs, which he takes as criticism, or as a reflection of a failure on his part. He then attacks his wife about something she already feels self conscious about, such as having the need in the first place. Soon the argument may become about who is “right” and who is “wrong”, or the wife may shut down or feel ashamed while the husband feels angry and self righteous. Of course this could just as easily happen in the reverse. The problem is that nothing gets resolved, because the original injury to one partner’s ego was in a sense reversed by the hurting of the other, and the conflict often escalates instead of defusing.
To navigate and manage such destructive cycles, consider the following strategies:
1. Self-Awareness: Recognize personal triggers and understand the inclination to counterattack when feeling vulnerable.
2. Pause and Reflect: Before responding, take a moment to assess the situation objectively. Determine whether the perceived attack was intentional or a misinterpretation.
3. Open Communication: Engage in honest conversations about feelings and perceptions. Expressing vulnerability can foster empathy and prevent misunderstandings.
4. If you’re being attacked unfairly, try not to let yourself take on or identify with the accusation. Stay focused on staying regulated and separating yourself from the attack.
By consciously choosing to disengage from reactive patterns and fostering your own self-awareness and good emotion regulation (where you can think or reflect even while feeling strong emotions), you can create space for empathy, reflection, and healthier interactions when being attacked or feeling the urge to counterattack in relationships.