For many people, intensity isn’t just exciting—it can feel necessary to feel alive. Some people feel shame over this or believe it means they’re addicted to drama, trauma, or pain. There is some truth to this, but we need to frame it in a compassionate way. I’m going to lay out what I think are some of the potential causes for a person to have trouble feeling settled when things are calm or drama-free.

Trauma and the Adrenaline-Numbness Cycle

When someone has experienced trauma or abuse, their nervous system often adapts to extremes. The brain becomes accustomed to cycles of high adrenaline, states of danger, excitement, or hyperarousal, followed by periods of emotional shutdown or numbness, as the body struggles to recover. Over time, this pattern wires intensity into one’s sense of aliveness. Ordinary or calm moments may feel empty or dissatisfying, because the nervous system has learned that any activation means high activation and that the opposite of this is a feeling of numbness or shut-down. In these cases, the craving for intensity isn’t a flaw, but it is the body’s way of seeking what it has come to recognize as vitality.

Chronic Stress and the Habit of Hypervigilance

Even without dramatic trauma, living under constant relational or any low-level stress can create a similar dynamic. A constant feeling of fear of criticism or shame, fear of being punished, or just constant anxiety, can put a person’s system on continuous alert, always scanning for danger. This puts a person into a chronic state of arousal. When that activation is then absent, they may feel empty or unsettled. What once protected such a person, vigilance and heightened sensitivity, now leaves them craving stimulation just to feel normal.

Dopamine, ADHD, and Substance Use

Biological factors can also play a role. People with ADHD, or those who have developed patterns of substance use, may find that their brains are tuned to seek high levels of novelty, stimulation, or reward. The dopamine system, over time, adjusts to expect certain levels of arousal or pleasure. What once felt satisfying now feels insufficient. Boredom becomes painful. Ordinary pleasures don’t register. This can make daily life feel like an endless search for that elusive spark.

The Torture of Emptiness

For those caught in these patterns, moments of quiet or low stimulation can feel like torture. Boredom, numbness, or emotional deadness aren’t neutral—they can feel like a kind of inner exile, a disconnection from feeling alive or embodied. And yet, the more we chase intensity, the harder it can become to access the quieter joys or calm of ordinary living.

So what helps?

Sometimes creative outlets or healthy novelty—art, music, learning something new—can offer safe ways to engage the longing for aliveness. But often, beneath the craving for intensity lies a deeper grief: the pain of disconnection, or an underlying depression or emotional shutdown. Sitting with emptiness, allowing ourselves to gently feel it rather than urgently trying to escape it, can be really hard but is part of rewiring our brains. Once we get used to living with calmer, quieter states of mind more habitually, we can relax into the benefits of not needing as much intensity or needing to create pain or intensity for ourselves.

One thing I’ve learned with time is to pace myself when it comes to seeking stimulation…for example, not staying at a conference or training for entire days of learning (i.e. skipping one or two talks), so I have time to process what I’ve taken in without becoming overstimulated. Taking breaks in between my sessions with clients. Not reading too many books too quickly. Maybe you can find what works for you.

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, I invite you to be curious rather than critical. Where did this need for intensity begin? What might it be protecting you from feeling? Learning to avoid overstimulation, even if it feels exciting or necessary, can be really stabilizing…even though it’s hard to do! There really may need to be a grief process as you learn to let go of old sources of vitalization that are also sources of pain.