We’re all wired to crave approval, to fit in, and to feel that who we are is worthy, special, and acceptable in the eyes of others.
Yet, sometimes, we become so focused on external validation or external referencing —on how others see us and on taking our cues from people around us—that we start living life from the outside in, instead of from the inside out.
When we live from the outside in, we live from a place of how we imagine others perceive us (we may not be aware we’re doing this until we pay attention long enough to become conscious of this), and shape our actions around what we think will measure up in their eyes. We become driven by image, by an objectification of ourselves, or by the pursuit of approval, rather than expressing our true authentic selves and acting in alignment with our natural instincts, sensations, desires, feelings, ideals.
Instead of living subjectively—based on our inner experience—we can soon find ourselves performing more often than not, striving to meet external expectations, and losing touch with what feels right deep down. We may also feel “on” for others a lot of the time, finding our interactions draining and only letting go when we’re alone.
Of course, any extreme is unhealthy. We all live in a social context, where adapting to external expectations and making room for others is important. I’m not suggesting that we should never care what others think, or live in opposition to social norms. Rather, it’s about staying connected to our inner selves and feeling alive to who we truly are. It’s about feeling safe enough to let our authentic selves inform how we show up in our relationships and the world around us.
When we align with our true selves, we no longer feel like we’re hiding behind a false self or reinforcing fears of rejection. We don’t base our self-worth on how others see us, and we’re free to live more genuinely and engage in relationships that foster true intimacy, rather than mere accommodation.
In an ideal world, our parents or caregivers see us for who we are and reflect that back to us in childhood without too much distortion. They also don’t let their own emotional reactions to who we are overshadow their ability to respond emphatically to our signals, and to allow us a sense of agency. In return, we develop a sense of being seen accurately for who we are, and accepted for who we are.
But when caregivers fail to offer this kind of attunement, on the other hand, we can end up feeling unseen, and we may spend our lives trying to prove ourselves—defining our worth based on what we imagine others think of us, or who they want us to be. This reinforces the belief that being real means being shamed, rejected, dismissed, or left alone.
Over time, our relationships may become about the safety of accommodation rather than the depth of true intimacy. Before we can take the risk of being seen by others, we have to first see ourselves. We need to reconnect with our authentic selves and work through our ambivalence about whether it’s worth changing the way we’ve lived to become more aligned.
In therapy, we look for signals of the true self—those moments that leak out despite our usual narratives. We notice inconsistencies and listen for the voices of parts of ourselves that have long been silenced. These are the places where the real work begins, where we start to break free from living outside-in and move towards living from the inside out while still feeling embedded in the external social world.