Many of us are sensitive (perhaps extra sensitive, which is often a good thing) to how others feel, and because of that, we may hesitate to speak up in relationships for fear of upsetting or hurting the other person. We may swallow what bothers us or accommodate others to a fault, instead of advocating for ourselves, making waves, or speaking up. Sometimes, it’s because we don’t want to hurt people we care about, or we imagine how we would feel if someone shared something similar with us. Other times, we’re just afraid of rocking the boat. Avoiding conflict feels easier than diving into uncomfortable conversations.
But here’s the thing: when we hold things in, we reinforce the idea that relationships can grow without conflict, without the hard conversations, without a raw kind of honesty. That’s not to say we should voice every single feeling or opinion without considering how it might make the other person feel, but when staying silent becomes a habit, we can end up leaving the people in our lives in the dark, and sometimes this can cause us to grow distant from those we love or to feel frustrated or alone in relationships with those around us.
When we tiptoe around what we think other people want or keep our true feelings to ourselves, it’s also like we decide for others that they’re better off not knowing what we really feel—when, in reality, they might appreciate the truth. Or worse, they can sense that something’s off but don’t have enough information to ask more. What happens? Tension builds up inside us, and we miss out on learning that others can handle our honesty. Speaking up can actually lead to deeper intimacy.
Often, trying to “protect” others from our true feelings is really about our own fears. We project that others won’t be able to handle our honesty, and we lose the chance to get a reality check or clarify boundaries or differences between us. Many of us learned to keep quiet as a pattern in childhood to avoid rejection or protect others from discomfort. Honest self-expression is something that needs positive reinforcement, and for some of us, our parents couldn’t always provide that. Over time, we may have started to imagine our feelings being way more provocative or monstrous than they really are or were.
Avoiding conflict can become a habit, and each time we stay silent, we may think we’re keeping ourselves safe. This reinforces the silence and reinforces our beliefs about what would happen if we spoke up. But this silence isn’t always the asset we think it is—for ourselves or for others.
Try speaking up. You might be surprised at the clarity and connection that follow.
Ready to make waves in your relationships? Speaking up is step one. Let’s do this together!
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